At the September event featuring Dr. Lan i Leary audience members submitted questions to Dr. Leary and the panel. Several of the questions asked were not able to be addressed due to time limitations. Dr. Leary took the time to provide answers to those questions and those responses are shared here.
1. After 2 years of a serious illness, my husband decided he was no longer sick and wouldn’t talk about it. We didn’t push him to talk but there’s a big piece of his life missing and there’s a big hole in my grief that I can’t get past. What should I do?
It sounds like you want some understanding and closure around a very impactful period in your life, your husband’s life, and your marriage. I would start by suggesting that we not assume anything about what or how your husband is processing his illness. He may be coming to terms with it and understanding layers of meaning but doing it internally and non-verbally. That does not mean he is not working on what it all means; but that he does not yet have the words or full understanding to share it with you yet. You can only model and encourage honest self-reflection but of course, you have no control over your husband’s way of dealing with challenges. You can, however, focus on yourself, your process and what you need. While you practice patience with his pacing and ways of understanding, you can do your own work and come to terms with what his illness meant to you; what it taught you about him and about yourself; and what lessons you can productively use in the future. A supportive therapist can guide you to a place of personal peace and empathy toward your husband. If you cannot find a therapist soon, you can begin through honest, self-reflective journaling or reading about others’ journey through illness. As with grief, this has been a difficult, challenging period of your life and you deserve to tell your “story” as often and as frequently as is needed to find resolution. Tell your story in your way, in whatever means is helpful, to yourself and to others whom you trust and can hold space for everything that you discover. This may be the most important journey you ever take.
2. Can you discuss the grief caused by a death through suicide?
Enduring the grief of suicide is one of the most horrific ordeals in a life. There is a roller coaster of mixed emotions unlike any other loss. The emotions of guilt, confusion, emotional turmoil make this type of loss unique. The idea that your loved one chose to die makes a world of difference to your acceptance and understanding of the death. You face unique and painful feelings such as guilt; rarely do we feel responsible for another person’s death by disease, accident or age. But with suicide, we invariably ask “why?” and might feel that we could have, should have, or might have done something to prevent the death. There is also an unfair stigma by society attached to suicide, and survivors feel misunderstood and judged, and rather than feeling sympathy from others, report that they receive blame, judgment, or exclusion which exacerbates their grief. It is also common to feel anger toward a lost loved one, and unresolved questions about the person and your relationship. The lack of social support from friends and relatives intensifies the grief and makes healthy coping more difficult. People may make insensitive remarks because it is so misunderstood and stigmatized. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries of the suicide are particularly difficult and new milestones may bring additional feelings of guilt and anger. Try to reframe the suicide by understanding that suicide is not a desire to end a life, but rather a need to end pain. Your loved one has been suffering, often silently and without sharing their burden, through no fault of their own, from conditions that amplifies their emotional pain to a point that made life unbearable. The person who completes suicide could not find an alternative choice or rationally choose a way to end the pain. To support you through your long road of grief, it is important that you find healthy, consistent support from family, friends, or a professional. It may take multiple layers of support, each with its own strength and focus, to help you sort through feelings of survivor’s guilt, and wrestling with the question of “why?” Guard your physical health and maintain sleep hygiene, good nutrition, exposure to sun and nature, and regular gentle exercise. Express your feelings in your own way through writing, art, movement or talking; allow yourself as much time and gentle pacing as you feel you need. Joining a suicide support group, reading others’ accounts, learning more of the research may help you separate the myths from the facts of suicide, and provide the best movement toward the deceptively simple task of healing, acceptance.
3. How can parents and marriages survive the death of a child?
The death of a child is an unnatural, out-of-order loss that shakes a family’s foundation and a couple’s dreams of their future.
• Allow yourself to grieve and recognize your emotions as normal responses to such a horrific loss. You may experience all or some of the emotions of denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance. You will move through these emotions multiple times, triggered by many different circumstances. Going through difficult emotions repeatedly is not an indictment that you have failed, but rather the normal course of grief. Try not to judge your emotions; compare yourself to your spouse or others; or dismiss your partner’s emotions because you do not understand them. Acknowledge, validate and accept both positive and negative emotions.
• Take the time you need from stressors and lean on support systems, whether those be faith groups, support groups, family and friends, or a therapist. We all have outside stressors other than the immediate obvious loss of your child and even though nothing else seems to matter in life right now, we all have to face the decision to return to work, take additional time off, can we afford to be off work, when do I go back to church, when to continue a project etc.
• Maintain the relationship with your spouse through open dialogue about your feelings and grief. Experiencing and sharing grief together can foster a deeper connection and understanding of each other. Reach out for help with a couple’s therapist to help facilitate communication, understanding, and ways to talk about the pain. Prioritize the relationship and find new ways to share memories of your deceased child.
• Be aware of dangerous beliefs that may seriously impact the relationship such as: o “Do It My Way”. Men and women grieve differently, and the differences need to be honored, validated, and encouraged. o “Be Strong”. Allow each other the full range of emotions and do not impose a model that limits their vulnerability or access to feelings.
o “Change”. The loss of a child alters you, your marriage, and your family. To minimize the confusion and burden of change, try to minimize major decisions in the first year. Maintain as many healthy, life-giving habits and family routines as possible.
o “Make me Happy”. We cannot “fix” grief and we cannot rush or demand healing from our spouse. When we ask another to take away our pain, we place another burden on an already-grieving parent and may not attend to our own growth. Seek help and support, but do not expect another to change your grief. The only thing we can do for another is be present, validate, and show compassion.
o “Read my mind”. We cannot be expected to know another person’s needs or feelings, but we can inquire and have genuine curiosity for their inner life. Love does not mean being able to decipher invisible feelings or even anticipate needs in the future. Open communication and non-judgmental curiosity are the best course of action to support a loved one.
o “I’ll do it myself”. The threat of isolation is ever-present in grief. Each person grieves in their own way but that does not mean it is most helpful to grieve alone. Cutting off from others and being stoic rather than vulnerable and sharing can be disastrous for a relationship and a family. There is much to share and learn from each other, and many report a stronger connection and deeper compassion for each other by sharing themselves and their struggles.
• Find the compassion for yourself. Give yourself permission and encouragement to take care of yourself. and then you can take better care of your spouse and other children. • Evaluate friendships and other relationship. If we ever needed a friend in our life, it would be after hearing the news your child has died. Allow your friends to be there for you. If you need to be directive, tell them clearly what helps and what is not helpful. Or ask a trusted friend to be your advocate to clear the field of those who impede your healing.
